Loop in Heat

Mateo Perez Lara

Poetry

2/1/24

I’m careless which allows me quick release. I do let go. Burning.

He haunted me for months, in air, crashed then possessed

every token dear: ghost necklace, Xbox controller, journal with his name, he shook my bed, I couldn’t move but it wasn’t fear that kept me there.

He drowns ultimatums in his river, I can’t tell him “it’s either this or that” because there is always another option.

How come when it rains I do not want to open my mouth?

I press my palm to his forehead, feel the heat, then he runs away for months

Where did you go? Why did you leave?

When the storm comes, I forget the good things, they are optimal and much too useless when I spiral, I haven’t felt unclean in days, please arrive with your arms ready for me.

He can’t

He can

He can’t

He can

He can’t

He won’t.

And we are at odds again. Burning.

The warmth is back, the summer is begging for water

I am silently on my ashy-cracked knees, I am longing again

My therapist says to breathe when I feel the sweet weight in my stomach

But I close my eyes, I feel the pitter-patter of shame. It runs down my body

Seeps into the floor underneath and my god I felt him come back but he won’t he can’t he won’t he can’t he said already, and I know the clouds have gone thick heavy and gray and I know. Burning.

Mateo Perez Lara is a queer, non-binary, Latine poet from California. They received their M.F.A. in Poetry from Randolph College. They have a chapbook, Glitter Gods, published with Thirty West Publishing House. Their poems have been published in EOAGH, The Maine Review, and elsewhere. | @KillerEmm